Affair Recovery & Trust
When betrayal occurs in a relationship, the resulting emotional pain is often difficult to overcome. Melody has helped many individuals and couples find ways to cope with the complexities of affair recovery
There are three phases of healing that Melody uses to help couples heal from an affair. They include:
- Disclosure phase
- Information seeking phase
- Reconstruction of the new marriage phase (creating marriage number two)
Phase 1: Disclosure
The disclosure phase is a time of truth-seeking. The truth must be told at this time to avoid further harm and restore the bond of hope for re-connection. It is, therefore, a difficult time of exploring pain. However, the truth will set both of you free from the bonds of lies. There are a few essential things to remember during this difficult time.
The unfaithful spouse must disconnect from the other person, take full responsibility, and find empathy for his or her partner’s pain. It can be difficult when an affair is discovered, and defences can rise.
Be careful because of how you discuss the affair — the pace and spirit of the conversation can either cause further harm or help to heal both of you. Remember that attacks (“How could you…”) and disqualifying pain (“Why can’t you just get over it?”) can occur. These types of expressions are not helpful, and seeking a therapist to help you navigate these difficult conversations can help. As a clinical psychologist, Melody Evans has helped many couples get through the disclosure phase and start the journey back to the relationship they want.
Phase 2: Information seeking
What matters the most in terms of healing and rebuilding trust is how you talk about the betrayal. For the partner who has hurt, it’s best to act like a reporter seeking information. Ask questions like who, where, when, how, and why. It’s the why — the reason behind the actions — that matters most. The partner who has betrayed needs to ask him or herself the question, “Will knowing this fact help or hurt me?”
Information that increases obsessive thoughts is harmful and should be avoided. If you are the hurt partner, you may need to work through these painful or intrusive thoughts with a therapist. It’s not uncommon for partners who find out about infidelity to screen for PTSD, so to have a therapist like Melody who is trained in treating these issues is essential.
Phase 3: Reconstruction of the new marriage
The reconstruction of a new marriage starts with creating understanding, trust, communication, and healing. It is where Melody employs an integrated approach of Gottman therapy, solution-focused therapy, systems theory, and sometimes EMDR help to rebuilding the marriage. She focuses on helping couples:
Create good will, focusing on strengths and areas of connection
Understand the story of and behind the affair
Create an environment that builds trust and reconnection
Desensitize to triggers
Rebuild a sound relationship house·
These are just a few of the essential healing elements needed to get you back on track in life and your marriage.
Tips to Remember
How you tell the story is more import then what you share
Shift from adversarial to emphatic
Avoid power struggles
Control destructive outbursts
Remember that secrets are harmful acts of suppression that create unreasonable perspectives — what we resist, persists
Secrets create traps and prevent us from having freedom
How we work with infidelity
Melody provides intensive programs for couples struggling with infidelity. You can book longer sessions or attend an intensive. The most import thing to know is that you can save your marriage. Since all couples are unique, the work is tailored to the specifics of your marriage. Infidelity is prevalent — more so then most couples want to admit. It is possible to heal, so don’t give up.
Call to book your appointment today and work with Melody and heal your relationship.