Sometimes the hardest thing to understand is why you react the way you do.
You may know logically that you are safe, yet your body remains on high alert. You may desperately want closeness with your partner, yet find yourself pulling away when they reach for you. You may promise yourself that you will stay calm during the next disagreement, only to become overwhelmed, angry, defensive, or shut down when conflict begins.
Or you may find yourself thinking:
“Why am I reacting so strongly?”
“Why do I keep doing this when I know it isn’t helping?”
“Why can’t I trust my partner even though I want to?”
“Why do I shut down whenever we have conflict?”
“Why does part of me want this relationship while another part wants to run?”
These seemingly contradictory reactions can make much more sense when we understand them as protective responses instead of personal failures.
At Can’t We Just Get Along Counselling in Calgary, Registered Psychologist Melody Evans integrates Ego State Therapy and parts-informed trauma therapy into her work with individuals and, when clinically appropriate, her systemic work with couples.
With more than 25 years of experience working with individuals, couples, trauma, and relationships, Melody is especially interested in understanding not only what people are doing, but what may be happening underneath their reactions.
Sometimes the part of you creating difficulties today is the same part that once learned how to protect you.
The goal of therapy is not necessarily to get rid of that part.
It is to understand what it is protecting.
What Is Ego State Therapy?
Ego State Therapy is a therapeutic approach based on the understanding that our personalities contain different emotional conditions, experiences, roles, and ways of responding.
You might think of these informally as different “parts” of yourself.
This doesn’t mean there is something fundamentally wrong with you or that you have multiple personalities. Most people recognize having different sides of themselves.
For example:
- One part of you may want intimacy while another fears getting hurt.
- One part may know that your partner is trustworthy while another stays alert for signs of betrayal.
- One part may want to forgive while another remains deeply angry.
- One part may want to set a boundary while another fears rejection if you do.
- One part may understand intellectually that a traumatic experience is over while another continues responding as though the danger is happening now.
These responses often make sense when we understand the experiences which shaped them.
Ego State Therapy offers a way to become curious about these internal experiences rather than fighting against them.
Instead of asking: “What’s wrong with me?”
therapy can begin asking: “What is this reaction trying to protect?”
That can be a very different starting point for healing.
Why Do We Develop Different “Parts”?
Our affective reactions develop within relationships and experiences throughout our lives.
Some parts of ourselves develop around confidence, playfulness, competence, creativity, caregiving, independence, or connection.
Others may develop protective roles in response to difficult experiences.
For example, a child who experiences frequent criticism may learn to become highly perfectionistic.
Someone who experienced abandonment may become extremely sensitive to signs of rejection.
A person who learned that expressing emotions resulted in conflict may become very skilled at shutting emotions down.
Someone who has experienced betrayal may develop a highly vigilant part that constantly looks for evidence that something is wrong.
These responses may once have served an important purpose.
The difficulty occurs when an old protective strategy continues operating in circumstances where it is no longer needed, or when it begins interfering with relationships, emotional wellbeing, or the person’s ability to feel safe.
Using Ego State Therapy, the therapist approaches these responses with interest and compassion. Rather than trying to force them away, therapy can help you understand why they developed, what they are trying to accomplish, and what they may need to respond differently.
Ego State Therapy and Trauma
Ego State Therapy can be particularly useful in trauma therapy because traumatic experiences can leave people feeling as though part of them remains emotionally connected to what happened.
You might intellectually understand: “That happened years ago.” Yet your nervous system reacts as though the danger is happening today.
A smell, tone of voice, facial expression, argument, sexual experience, location, memory, or interaction with your partner may suddenly trigger a powerful emotional response. You may feel frightened, angry, ashamed, numb, defensive, or overwhelmed without completely understanding why.
Trauma therapy can help identify the connection between the present trigger and the experiences your nervous system may still be responding to.
The objective is not to erase your history. It is to help your brain and nervous system recognize that the past is the past and the present is the present.
Ego State Therapy and EMDR Therapy
Ego State or parts-informed work can also complement EMDR Therapy.
Melody is an EMDRIA Certified EMDR Therapist and EMDRIA Approved Consultant and has undertaken advanced training in trauma, attachment, Ego State/parts work, and EMDR approaches.
For some clients, beginning immediately with traumatic memories may not be the most appropriate starting point. Clients may first need greater emotional stability, internal cooperation, an understanding of protective responses, or a stronger sense of safety.
Parts-informed work can help identify fears or internal conflicts surrounding trauma processing. For example, one part of a person may desperately want to heal while another part fears what will happen if painful memories are approached.
Rather than pushing through that resistance, therapy can become curious about it. What is the protective part afraid might happen? What does it believe it needs to do to keep you safe? What would help it feel safe enough to allow healing to occur?
When appropriate, Ego State-informed interventions and EMDR can work together as part of a more comprehensive trauma treatment plan.
Why Do We Develop Different “Parts”?
Our affective reactions develop within relationships and experiences throughout our lives.
Some parts of ourselves develop around confidence, playfulness, competence, creativity, caregiving, independence, or connection.
Others may develop protective roles in response to difficult experiences.
For example, a child who experiences frequent criticism may learn to become highly perfectionistic.
Someone who experienced abandonment may become extremely sensitive to signs of rejection.
A person who learned that expressing emotions resulted in conflict may become very skilled at shutting emotions down.
Someone who has experienced betrayal may develop a highly vigilant part that constantly looks for evidence that something is wrong.
These responses may once have served an important purpose.
The difficulty occurs when an old protective strategy continues operating in circumstances where it is no longer needed, or when it begins interfering with relationships, emotional wellbeing, or the person’s ability to feel safe.
Using Ego State Therapy, the therapist approaches these responses with interest and compassion. Rather than trying to force them away, therapy can help you understand why they developed, what they are trying to accomplish, and what they may need to respond differently.
Ego State Therapy and Trauma
Ego State Therapy can be particularly useful in trauma therapy because traumatic experiences can leave people feeling as though part of them remains emotionally connected to what happened.
You might intellectually understand: “That happened years ago.” Yet your nervous system reacts as though the danger is happening today.
A smell, tone of voice, facial expression, argument, sexual experience, location, memory, or interaction with your partner may suddenly trigger a powerful emotional response. You may feel frightened, angry, ashamed, numb, defensive, or overwhelmed without completely understanding why.
Trauma therapy can help identify the connection between the present trigger and the experiences your nervous system may still be responding to.
The objective is not to erase your history. It is to help your brain and nervous system recognize that the past is the past and the present is the present.
Ego State Therapy and EMDR Therapy
Ego State or parts-informed work can also complement EMDR Therapy.
Melody is an EMDRIA Certified EMDR Therapist and EMDRIA Approved Consultant and has undertaken advanced training in trauma, attachment, Ego State/parts work, and EMDR approaches.
For some clients, beginning immediately with traumatic memories may not be the most appropriate starting point. Clients may first need greater emotional stability, internal cooperation, an understanding of protective responses, or a stronger sense of safety.
Parts-informed work can help identify fears or internal conflicts surrounding trauma processing. For example, one part of a person may desperately want to heal while another part fears what will happen if painful memories are approached.
Rather than pushing through that resistance, therapy can become curious about it. What is the protective part afraid might happen? What does it believe it needs to do to keep you safe? What would help it feel safe enough to allow healing to occur?
When appropriate, Ego State-informed interventions and EMDR can work together as part of a more comprehensive trauma treatment plan.
Ego State Therapy and Couples Therapy in Calgary
This is an area where Melody’s approach to Ego State Therapy connects closely with her broader clinical specialty.
Melody has spent much of her career working systemically with couples, relationships, attachment injuries, betrayal, trauma, communication difficulties, and recurring relationship conflict.
In couples therapy, the problem is rarely just one person’s behaviour. Couples often become caught in a relationship system in which one person’s protective response activates the other person’s protective response.
Then the cycle begins. One partner becomes anxious and pursues. The other is overwhelmed and withdraws. The withdrawal makes the first partner feel abandoned. They pursue harder. The withdrawing partner feels increasingly criticized or controlled. They shut down further.
Soon both partners are reacting to each other’s reactions. Neither person necessarily intended to create the pattern. But together, they have become caught inside it.
Sometimes the Argument Isn’t Really About the Argument
Couples frequently arrive at therapy saying: “We can’t communicate.”
And communication skills can certainly be important. But Melody’s systemic approach asks another question: “What happens between the two of you that makes communication become so difficult?”
The argument may appear to be about dishes, money, sex, parenting, phones, household responsibilities, or how much time someone spends at work.
Underneath it may be something much more emotionally significant:
- “Do I matter to you?”
- “Can I depend on you?”
- “Are you going to leave me?”
- “Am I good enough?”
- “Will you hurt me again?”
- “Is it safe for me to be vulnerable with you?”
Perceiving these deeper emotional experiences can change how couples understand their conflict.
When Two People’s Protective Parts Collide
Relationship conflict can become especially difficult when protective responses developed long before the current relationship.
Imagine one partner grew up learning: Conflict means someone may leave. Their nervous system may respond to disagreement by urgently requesting reassurance and resolution.
Their partner may have grown up learning: Conflict is dangerous. Stay quiet until it passes. That person’s nervous system may respond by withdrawing.
Neither response is necessarily intended to hurt the other person. But together they can create a painful relationship cycle. The more Partner A pursues, the more Partner B withdraws. The more Partner B withdraws, the more frightened Partner A becomes.
From a systemic perspective, therapy isn’t simply asking: “Which partner is the problem?”
Instead, we become interested in: “What is the pattern between you, and how can we help both of you step out of it?”
Parts-informed therapy can add another layer by helping each partner understand the emotional and protective responses they bring into that cycle.
Ego State Therapy for Betrayal and Affair Recovery
Betrayal can create some of the strongest internal conflicts people experience.
After discovering an affair or significant betrayal, the injured partner may experience very different emotions simultaneously.
One part may love their partner. Another may hate what happened. One may desperately want reassurance. Another may refuse to trust again. One may want to repair the relationship. Another may want to leave. One may long for physical closeness. Another may recoil from being touched.
These reactions can be confusing and distressing, but they can also be understandable responses to a significant attachment injury.
The partner who caused the injury may experience conflicting states as well, shame, defensiveness, fear of losing the relationship, remorse, avoidance, or annoyance that the relationship is not recovering quickly enough.
In Melody’s work with acts of betrayal and relationship trauma, parts-informed approaches may be integrated with systemic couples therapy, Gottman Method Couples Therapy, attachment-informed therapy, and EMDR Therapy, depending upon the needs of the couple.
The goal is not to force forgiveness or reconciliation. The goal is to create enough emotional safety and understanding for meaningful decisions and healing to become possible.
Ego State Therapy for Attachment Injuries
Attachment experiences can deeply influence adult relationships.
If important relationships earlier in life were inconsistent, rejecting, frightening, critical, unavailable, or unpredictable, your nervous system may have learned ways of protecting you.
You might become highly independent. You might need frequent reassurance. You might avoid vulnerability. You might become very sensitive to changes in your partner’s tone or behaviour. You might expect rejection before it occurs. Or you may leave emotionally before someone has the opportunity to leave you.
These patterns are not necessarily intentional decisions. They may represent protective strategies that developed when connection did not always feel safe.
Parts-informed therapy can help people understand these responses and develop new ways of experiencing closeness, boundaries, vulnerability, and emotional safety.
Signs Ego State Therapy May Be Helpful
You may want to explore Ego State Therapy or parts-informed trauma therapy if you notice that you:
- Understand something intellectually but cannot seem to change how you feel.
- Experience emotional reactions that seem much larger than the current situation.
- Feel younger, smaller, helpless, or frightened during conflict.
- Become overwhelmed by shame or self-criticism.
- Shut down emotionally when relationships become intense.
- Want closeness but repeatedly push people away.
- Experience difficulty trusting after betrayal.
- Feel torn between staying in and leaving a relationship.
- Have strong perfectionistic or controlling tendencies.
- Experience trauma triggers or intrusive memories.
- Feel disconnected or emotionally numb.
- Have difficulty establishing boundaries without guilt.
- Experience recurring relationship patterns despite wanting something different.
- Feel as though different parts of you want completely different things.
You do not need to identify with all of these experiences for parts-informed therapy to be useful.
Can Ego State Therapy Help Couples Communicate Better?
Potentially, but not simply by teaching better words.
Couples often already know what they are supposed to say. They may have read books, listened to podcasts, learned interpersonal techniques, or promised each other repeatedly that the next disagreement will be different.
Then they become triggered.
When the nervous system perceives threat, the carefully planned communication strategy can disappear. One partner attacks. The other defends. Someone withdraws. Someone pursues. Old hurts enter the conversation.
This is why Melody’s approach to couples therapy goes beyond communication techniques alone.
Communication problems can sometimes be the visible expression of deeper difficulties involving emotional safety, attachment, trauma, trust, and protective responses.
By realizing what is happening beneath the conflict, couples may be better able to interrupt the cycle rather than simply argue about its latest version.
A Systemic Approach to Couples Therapy
Melody’s graduate training is in Marriage and Family Therapy, which provides a systemic basis for understanding psychological and relationship difficulties.
Systemic therapy views people within the context of their relationships rather than in isolation. In couples work, this means considering:
- each partner’s history and attachment experiences;
- the couple’s current relationship cycle;
- trauma and significant life experiences;
- emotional triggers;
- protective responses;
- trust and betrayal;
- family-of-origin patterns;
- communication;
- emotional and physical intimacy;
- relationship expectations; and
- the meaning each partner gives to what happens between them.
The objective is not to determine which person is “the problem.” It is to understand the system that has developed between two people and help them create something different.
Integrating Systemic Therapy, Gottman Method, EMDR and Parts Work
No single therapy approach answers every relationship problem. Melody’s work is integrative.
Her foundation in systemic Marriage and Family Therapy helps her understand the relationship as a whole.
Her advanced Gottman Method Couples Therapy training provides research-informed assessment and interventions for friendship, conflict, communication, intimacy, trust, and relationship repair.
Her EMDR Therapy training provides a structure for addressing traumatic experiences and distressing memories that continue to affect the present.
Ego State and parts-informed approaches can help identify and understand protective emotional behaviours that may be operating underneath the surface.
This combination can be notably valuable when couples are dealing with both relationship problems and untreated trauma.
Sometimes improving relationships requires working with the couple. Sometimes it requires helping one or both partners heal. And often, it requires understanding how the two influence each other.
What Are the Benefits of Ego State Therapy?
Depending upon your history, needs, and treatment goals, Ego State Therapy may help you:
- develop a greater grasp of emotional triggers;
- reduce shame and harsh self-criticism;
- recognize protective patterns;
- develop greater self-compassion;
- increase affective control;
- create a stronger sense of internal safety;
- understand relationship triggers;
- reduce internal conflict;
- process trauma more safely;
- strengthen boundaries;
- respond differently to conflict; and
- establish healthier ways of connecting with yourself and others.
The larger goal is integration. Rather than feeling controlled by conflicting emotional reactions, you can begin developing a kinder and coordinated relationship with the different aspects of yourself.
Ego State Therapy for Individuals in Calgary
You do not need to be experiencing relationship problems to benefit from this approach.
Parts-informed therapy may be helpful for individuals experiencing trauma, anxiety, grief, shame, perfectionism, childhood emotional wounds, attachment difficulties, emotional overwhelm, self-criticism, or recurring patterns they have struggled to change.
Individual therapy provides a private space to understand these experiences and explore the circumstances in which they developed.
For some people, this work may be incorporated into EMDR Therapy. For others, Ego State interventions may be an element of a broader therapeutic approach.
Treatment should always be individualized to the person rather than requiring the person to fit a particular model.
Frequently Asked Questions About Ego State Therapy in Calgary
Is Ego State Therapy the Same as Internal Family Systems (IFS)?
They are both considered forms of parts-oriented therapy and share some concepts. Still, Ego State Therapy and Internal Family Systems are distinct therapeutic approaches with different histories, theories, terminology, and methods.
Your therapist can explain the particular approach being used and why it may be appropriate for your treatment.
Does Having Different “Parts” Mean I Have Multiple Personalities?
No. Talking about different “parts” or ego states can provide a useful way to understand the different emotional conditions and responses people commonly experience.
For example, it is entirely possible to feel confident at work and deeply insecure in an intimate relationship.
Therapy helps explore why certain situations trigger certain responses.
Can Ego State Therapy Be Used With EMDR?
Parts-informed interventions can sometimes be integrated with EMDR Therapy, particularly when protective responses, internal conflicts, attachment experiences, or trauma histories are important to treatment.
The appropriate treatment plan depends on the individual and should be determined through assessment.
Can Ego State Therapy Be Used in Couples Therapy?
Parts-informed concepts can sometimes be incorporated into couples therapy when they help partners understand their own triggers and the cycle occurring between them.
Melody’s couples work is fundamentally systemic and may also incorporate the Gottman Method, attachment-informed approaches, EMDR, or parts work when clinically appropriate.
Can Ego State Therapy Help After an Affair?
Betrayal often creates intense and conflicting emotional reactions. Parts-informed work may help individuals understand these reactions, while couples therapy addresses the injury and relationship system.
For some clients, EMDR may also be considered for distressing memories or trauma responses associated with the betrayal.
Do Both Partners Need Individual Therapy?
Not necessarily.
Every couple is different. Assessment helps determine whether the work should primarily involve couples therapy, individual therapy, trauma treatment, or an appropriate combination.
Looking for Ego State Therapy or Couples Therapy in Calgary?
You don’t have to fully understand why you react the way you do before coming to therapy.
Grasping can be part of the work.
Whether you are struggling with trauma individually or you and your partner keep finding yourselves trapped in the same painful relationship cycle, therapy can help you begin looking beneath the reaction to understand what is happening.
At Can’t We Just Get Along Counselling, our goal is not simply to help people stop arguing, stop worrying, or stop reacting.
We want to understand what is driving the pattern and what may help produce lasting change.
For some people, Ego State Therapy and parts-informed work can become an important part of that process.
Meet Melody Evans
Calgary Psychologist Focused in Couples, Relationship Trauma and EMDR
Melody Evans is a Registered Psychologist, Registered Marriage and Family Therapist, EMDRIA Certified EMDR Therapist, EMDRIA Approved Consultant, and CAP Approved Supervisor.
She has been providing therapy since 1999 and has developed a particular clinical focus on the intersection between relationships and trauma.
Her areas of focus include:
Couples Therapy | Relationship Trauma | Betrayal & Affair Recovery | Attachment Injuries | EMDR Therapy | Ego State & Parts-Informed Therapy
Melody has completed advanced training in the Gottman Method Couples Therapy, affair and trauma recovery, EMDR Therapy, attachment-focused approaches, Ego State/parts work, somatic trauma approaches, and other trauma-focused interventions.
Her systemic background influences how she understands both individual and relationship difficulties.
Rather than asking only what symptoms need to disappear, Melody is interested in understanding:
What happened?
What did you learn to do to survive or protect yourself?
How is that response affecting you or your relationship today?
And what needs to happen for something different to become possible?
Ego State Therapy & Couples Counselling in Calgary
If you are looking for Ego State Therapy in Calgary, EMDR Therapy in Calgary, couples therapy in Calgary, marriage counselling in Calgary, relationship counselling, betrayal recovery, or trauma therapy, contact Can’t We Just Get Along Counselling to learn more about available services.